"Dancing" with "The Bachelor"

I feel as if Dancing with the Stars (hereinafter referred to as DWTS) just ended its last season, but I guess since Bruno v. Carrie Ann was so atrocious, they quickly started the newest season. Only to be followed up with the newest Bachelor. ABC is getting a jump start before television finally returns next month!

So here we are with a whole new cast of characters on DWTS. The problem I have with DWTS is that I really want to see more "stars" per se. Although yes, Penn Gillette is famous, I would prefer...say...George Clooney. For some reason that is a different scale to me. One thing I love to do is predict who is dancing horizontally together by the middle of the season. I'll keep you posted. The one thing I hate about DWTS is after five minutes I feel like such a pregnant yak watching someone like Edyta strut around the dance floor. Although I rationalize that if Cheryl Burke had to bill 2000 hours a year her butt would start expanding in a chair too. Meanwhile maybe I should also put down the bag of M&Ms while watching. My disappointment this season is that Maxsim is not on the show. I love him...

I am amazed at the improvement of these people over the course of the season. I felt the judges were pretty harsh last night. I mean they nit pick everything. If you want to see perfection have two pros dance with each other. I for one suck, I mean suck at dancing so pretty much the fact that they can get through the Foxtrot amazes me. Katie still makes everyone watch my dance video from circa 1992 when I decided I would take private jazz lessons. I wore a Kelly green spandex leotard, danced to some God awful Paula Abdul song and did the chicken dance. And the leotard had feathers under the arms. Needless to say after I watched the dress rehearsal on tape, I bowed out of the actual performance. My poor parents shelled out $800 for this too. They should have taken the dance teacher to small claims court. And before you laugh Melski-I do believe that year your dance group dressed as cave woman with plastic clubs to the song that they played in the Twix commercial.

Of course DWTS is hosted by Tom Bergeron who seriously hosts 41 different shows per season. I predict the Latin guy (who apparently was on Ugly Betty but I don't recall) and Mario will go the furthest for the men. Oh maybe Jason Taylor. He was saying that the Dolphins were making fun of him for going on DWTS. Meanwhile, the Dolphins are in no position to make fun of anyone. The Dolphins probably should have up and taken ballroom dancing mid way through their past season instead of embarrassing themselves week after week...ok, stepping down from the soapbox. You know Adam Carolla wishes that if he still had The Man Show he would do anything for Julianne to be a girl jumping on a trampoline. The other thing I love about this show is the guy who announces the dances and the judges. He enunciates every syllable. I am eager to see the women although when I watch Priscella Presley all I think of is The Naked Gun and her and Leslie Neilsen wrapped up in the fake body condom. It's one of the funniest movies ever but I digress.

Then came The Bachelor-London Calling. This is the first international bachelor-Prince Lorenzo Borghese does not count I think because he was born in the US. The funny thing is I catch this show once every two seasons or so just to watch the absolute stupidity and embarrassment these women bring upon themselves. Or if I think the bachelor is hot. This guy is no Lt. Andy Baldwin but we'll throw him a bone. The limos pull up to start the show and as each limo pulls up you hear the girls all squeal and get all excited. Half are pretty good looking, half are OK. They each try to come up with something witty to say and fail miserably. What they all do attain is making sure that their dress enhances whatever size chest they have, ten fold. After watching all the women file in I think there is a solid five I would pick if I were Matt Grant.

There is always one drunk which makes me laugh so hard. I picture her watching this last night in utter horror. She even gave Matt her thong underwear. Classy. I just don't understand this show. I mean you bring home a woman to your parents that you met on a television show! They obviously don't have great careers. I mean who can take off five months to film The Bachelor? I cannot imagine my boss's face if I was like "Look, that case load you gave me...yeah see here's the thing-won't be able to cover them-I am going to try my luck on The Bachelor. Hold my job and my benefits OK?" Then again ABC I am sure pays out some compensation. See these are things that I think about-who would sublet the apartment? Do you have your mail re routed? What if you need to see a doctor? There is no way I would ever be able to be a contestant.

Secondly what do your parents think of these girls who let you publicly make out with them on camera? Maybe the parents don't know since the show airs after the season is filmed. Third, the whole setting is complete non-reality. Who has a date in the middle of a football field and a band shows up? Or has their first kiss in a hot air balloon? It's ridiculous.

But my ultimate favorite part is watching the rose ceremony and how pathetic these girls are to get a rose. I guess I understand wanting a rose on the first night-you just met the guy and if he cuts you, you know he thinks you are ugly and has no desire to sleep with you. Your self esteem pretty much takes a nose dive. They all wanted the "first impression rose" and are absolutely livid when it goes to someone else. One thing that impresses me is that the bachelor remembers all their names after only three hours with 25 women. I really don't know how this is done, although I believe there is a teleprompter above their heads with their names. Once once did I see someone make a mistake. That was even funnier. He calls a woman and the one he really wanted was in back of her. The girl who was mistakenly picked is so excited and then on national TV gets her rose taken away! If that was me I would have prayed that Chris Harrison came out and just shot me because now the rejection is so public there is no chance of sneaking out the back door before the mascara runs down my face.

The most irritating part of the show is Chris Harrison comes out from behind the doorway to announce that the lone rose on the cheesy granite pedestal is the final rose of the night. As if we cannot see the final rose sitting there. As if the girls have not been watching each and every rose go out with those fake pinched smiles on their faces. And then after the final rose is given out, Chris returns and tells the ladies to say their good byes and we watch the utter phoniness of girls hugging and air kissing each other as if they really care about the ones going home. And without fail you get the one girl who is gasping for air and crying as if her dog was run over because she cannot fathom how the bachelor after talking to her for five minutes cannot realize they are soul mates. PATHETIC, but yet so much fun to watch. It's so humiliating. It's like being picked last for the kickball team in gym class.

I think only one bachelor got married-Bob Guiney. And of course the Bachelorette. Not only did Trista and Ryan get married, but America knew how many times they had intercourse to conceive their son and the troubles and trials of getting little baby Sutter here. A little too much info.

So that is my reality blog for the day. Tonight is AI and I cannot wait. But here is who ABC should pick for their next bachelor....