I have taken a break from blogging for a couple of reasons. It was not until last night, when I started watching this season of The Bachelorette that I felt this overwhelming, compelling need to blog. The show was just too easy; there was just too much to say that I have succumbed to blogging about this ridiculous guilty pleasure of mine. I admit it, I am a sucker for this show along with its evil partner in crime, The Bachelor. I watch it. Since the very first season while in law school, every Monday with my friend Kathy. Watched when Alex picked Amanda over Trista. I know virtually no one makes it to the alter, they are broken up by the time the "After the Final Rose" show airs (after the tear filled engagement aired just moments earlier). Doesn't matter. I watch. Since I didn't blog Idol this year and Brandie in my office has repeatedly reminded me my blog is stuck on March, I figured...why not?
Let's start off by saying while I blog I will feature many reasons why I could never be the bachelorette. Now, if ABC allowed me to be the bachelorette (assuming that I was still single of course), I would have a list of stipulations. The first would be Chris Harrison would not be allowed to tell us during the rose ceremony, "Guys, this is the final rose of the evening...Kim, when you're ready." This would not be allowed. No one, not even some of the tools picked as potential suitors, needs Chris to tell us there is one more rose left for the evening. The second reason I could not be the bachelorette is because I'm picky. I'd pick the guy I liked probably after the first cocktail party and have to be saddled going on dates where I had to hike through a meadow with some guy who I could not stomach to look at. (More on hiking through a meadow in future blogs). Every season of this show, I am waiting for the girl to turn to Chris and say, "Really? 25 guys from all over the United States and this is the motley crew you found? Really? Come the hell on! Let me see those you struck." So if I were the bachelorette half these guys would be sent directly back to the limo and driven right off the estate. Poor Emily had at least a half dozen if not more that you know she couldn't wait to kick off faster than I'd shut off a Patriots/Eagles Super Bowl.
Emily's Potential Suitors:
To highlight a few of the bachelors the producers picked so well:
1) The guy whose name is like John, (or whatever) and goes by "Wolf." He'd be gone for that alone. No self-proclaimed animal/super hero/ninja warrior names. Wolf? Really? Why? It's not as if he even had any distinguishing features that made him resemble a wolf, such as piercing eyes or sharp teeth. He's also in "data deconstruction." I'm pretty sure we are all in data deconstruction....it's called deleting e-mails. NEXT.
2) Chris the guy with the bobbleheads. Emily told Chris he is super good looking. Chris reminds me as a cross between Gerard Butler (who is good looking) and Ryan Stiles (that goofy guy from the Drew Carey Show) (not hot). And the fact that he had pre-made bobbleheads is just plain spooky. And then they played with them. No really. They played with the bobbleheads of Emily and Chris. Creepy.
3) Travis the guy with the ostrich egg. I really don't even have words for this. Other than Travis would be sent back to the limo.
4) I can't recall who said they were Prince Charming and brought Emily a shoe on a slipper. Nothing like bringing a clear, plastic stripper heel as a first impression.
5) Some other guy got down and romanced her with the oh so original line of, "life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Cute...not original. I have that saying on a painted board in my master bathroom.
6) The guy in the costume. I would have not even permitted him out of the limo.
7) Jef (with one "f" for coolness I suppose), who rode in on a skateboard holding on to the limo. He looks fifteen. His hair is very Brandon Walsh. He is an "entrepreneur" which in Bachelor/ette lingo is "looking for gainful employment." He then threw his skateboard. Easy Tony Hawk.
8) Arie, or who I like to refer to as Lightening McQueen. Of course they had to get in the race car driver. Nothing like making her dig up and face the demons of her dead fiance.
9)Alessandro-from Brazil but who lives in Milwaukee...or Minneapolis. And who has no accent. Not to be confused with...
10) Alejandro-the mushroom farmer. Really? I feel like Chandler Bing in Friends again...."So many comments." A mushroom farmer? And every time she says Alejandro Emily uses a fake accent. The trill and everything. It's like A-Rod who pretends to speak Spanish for the YES Network's ad for watching Yankee games in SAP. Please. Although every time she says Alejandro, I start singing Lady Gaga.
11) Brent, the guy with six kids. He got sent home. And he cried about it. Dude, you have six kids. You should be crying about how much college tuition you will be paying, rather than not getting a rose.
12) Jean Paul or Jean Luc or Jean Michel-whatever. He compared not getting a rose to his divorce. Again...really? I'm pretty sure the attorney fee from said divorce was much more painful.
13) Michael-or who I like to call the wannabee Ashton Kutcher from his Punk'd days.
14) Kalon-helicopter dude. This guy is terrible. There is no other way to describe it. He almost got into a fight with Doug (the single father who I am routing for to win). Pretty sure Kalon was thinking, "Whatever dude, I have a whirly bird." Pretty sure Doug was thinking, "Dude I have two arms the size of Firestone truck tires so let's go."
15) Stevie-the MC. Who came in with a boom box. I think he mc'ed my Sweet 16. He also has gelled hair and I think is channeling his inner Jersey Shore.
Episode 2-First date was with Ryan. The girls at the office like Ryan. I am not a fan. I hate his haircut. It reminds me of when Preston went to one of those places where you sit in a jeep and watch Thomas DVDs and the people who cut your child's hair don't have a cosmetology license and he came out with the Dumb and Dumber haircut. That's Ryan's hair. This date was baking at Emily's house (you know...the house bought by the dead fiance's very wealthy parents). They were baking cookies because Emily was snack mom. Emily managed to make all of us that run to Costco and buy Goldfish and 100 Calorie packs for soccer feel slightly inadequate. I was waiting for her to bring out the juicer, but she got the juice boxes like the rest of us normal moms.
If I was the bachelorette this is the type of date I would be doing. Except mine would be even more real. Like get up at the crack of dawn because your kid has to be woken up several (12) times before he gets out of bed, shower him, finish up last night's homework, pack lunch, grab baseball gear, run said child to before care, drop off cupcakes to the school, run to court, go to work, go to baseball game, come home, do homework, do bath, do a story, watch Bachelorette. Then wash, rinse repeat. Oh and then hang out for the weekend. Because those bring with it Saturday mornings of changing sheets, doing laundry, food shopping, dry cleaners, more baseball, play dates, etc. Rappelling down a waterfall? Helicopter over an exploding volcano on an island that no one knows exist? Candlelight dinner on the Great Fricken Wall? Oh no no no. Target and Kroger baby. If it gets really exciting there is a dinner out to Chick-Fil-A. Now marry me with that 4.5 carat Neil Lane diamond you didn't even buy! In any event, Ryan got a rose. He reminds her a little of Brad, you know the bachelor that she ended up dumping. But whatever. They also went to a restaurant. Why in these shows do they never eat? They show up, table is set, food out, candles lit, one obligatory sip of wine and the Inquisition commences. That is not a date. I eat on a date. In fact I'm surprised DJ took me out a second time the way I shoveled food in my mouth the first time we met. You're at a restaurant, you eat. The last thing that drove me nuts was the "impromptu" performance by Gloriana. First of all, this is a new song the Highway XM station is pushing as their Highway Find. After this episode I'm sure it's on the Nashville top 30 live. Well played Gloriana. Well played.
Date 2-Joe. They went to West Virginia (pausing so you can hum, "Take me Home, Country Roads"-you know you are). They went to the Greenbrier. According to Emily it is the home of horse back riding, spas, and golf. Or for me, The Virginia Trial Lawyer's Association 2012 hot spot. It is gorgeous. I didn't see the love clock when we were there. But Joe did. He even wrote a message and put it in. How he hopes to come back with Emily, her daughter and her parents. Two minutes later he was being kicked off the show. A darn shame because he didn't get to eat his meal (shocker). And the food at the Greenbrier is ridiculously good.
I'm not even commenting on the group date. I actually fast forwarded through that part. So next week we see where the drama continues. Stay tuned......
